[ The thing about sharing a bedroom, means that the notes can slip in easier than they really should. In Cantarella's bed is a wish of Nozomi's. I wish my mom didn't commit suicide.
She's unaware of it as she gets ready for the day. ]
[The paper's like a stone she's carrying on her person, threatening to pull her down. Cantarella could certainly put the slip away, concealing information that she's certain Nozomi would have preferred never made it into the world. A secret and impossible wish.
But that weigh is choking her like a vine. Should she not endure it, for Nozomi's sake.]
[ She's unaware of all these wish slips making it all over the place.
It's a wish she's had ever since the day her mother left her. But it's also something she hasn't told anybody about either. There are always more important things than a girl who misses her mother, both at the academy and here in this town. ]
[Her brow furrows.] No, I think it arrived to me by accident. It has your name on it, but I don't believe this is your writing. [And Cantarella writes in clear print, so it isn't hers, either.
She should endure.] I can dispose of it if you'd like.
[She's right, of course. They're at a point now where things shouldn't need to be kept behind locked doors. This isn't anything that keeping from Nozomi will protect her, either, the same way Cantarella guards the secrets in her basement to keep others safe. It already exists.]
It's about your mother. [Cantarella gives her that warning before handing the slip over.]
[Her mother... There's such a mix of emotions when it comes to her. She misses her, she hated her for dying, Nozomi did everything for her mother and still she wasn't enough. Nozomi isn't enough for her mother and she never will be, and even if she does everything her mother wanted, there's no way to bring her back from the dead.
She takes the slip and looks just a little sick at the words written there... A piece of her heart laid bare.]
[Oh, her poor dear girl. She swipes Nozomi's cheeks gently, not to discourage any crying but to console any tears that come.]
I don't know what drove her to that choice.
[The unfortunate reality Cantarella has lived with for years is that some sicknesses erode people to a point of no return. It is an honor to die as a Fisalia and not as a puppet. In some ways, she has become desensitized to it.
And yet somehow, seeing this girl injured in the wake of it...] And the answer doesn't matter. I'm sorry she didn't stay with you.
[ Her mother always told her that what she was doing was for the good of humanity, the science, the research, some a forward so humans didn't have to worry about the end of existence.
Then she took her own life, leaving Nozomi behind.
She can't help herself from crying, lifting up her arms so she can hug Cantarella, if she'll allow it. ]
I'm sorry... I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm crying this much.
[ Didn't she accept this when it happened? Even so, it still hurts to think about how she wasn't a good enough research subject to have her mother stay with her. ]
[Acutely, Cantarella knows that Nozomi's emotions flagging and becoming more desperate could be a sign of her infection progressing. She's alert in the same way she's been for weeks, trying to spot any signs beyond emotion over a topic that should by all rights break Nozomi's heart.
The hug is returned, gentle and warm. Cantarella's embrace is soft as she wraps her arms around the girl and cradles her close.]
[ She can't really recognize any of the shifts in her own being- all of it feels like herself, even the parts that feel like she'd take on the world if it meant somebody else could survive. But that's not the body she's been granted, that's outside of her abilities here.
She doesn't even notice the flash of reflectiveness in her eyes as she tries and fails to blink away her tears.
It feels so nice to be hugged, safe and warm and loved. She misses her mom so much, but did she ever hold Nozomi like this? ]
[Cantarella pauses. Those little things seem stark up close, but she wonders what she might have missed in Nozomi's quiet nature. All she wants is to care for her...should she not have been paying closer attention?
But she puts those larger thoughts aside in favor of the immediate comfort that Nozomi needs.]
It's all right to do it now. These wounds run deep...and you don't have to pretend they don't still harm you.
[ Even normally, without the infection, she does her best to stay unobtrusive, to not step on anybody's toes. The hurts she holds are hers alone to bear, especially before she arrived here. When everyone else is also a teenager, it feels especially cruel to put her problems on them.
So when she's given permission to cry, she does. It's been so bottled up for so long, and it's such a rush of relief to let herself have this.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
W5: Monday
She's unaware of it as she gets ready for the day. ]
no subject
[The paper's like a stone she's carrying on her person, threatening to pull her down. Cantarella could certainly put the slip away, concealing information that she's certain Nozomi would have preferred never made it into the world. A secret and impossible wish.
But that weigh is choking her like a vine. Should she not endure it, for Nozomi's sake.]
I think I have something of yours.
no subject
[ She's unaware of all these wish slips making it all over the place.
It's a wish she's had ever since the day her mother left her. But it's also something she hasn't told anybody about either. There are always more important things than a girl who misses her mother, both at the academy and here in this town. ]
no subject
She should endure.] I can dispose of it if you'd like.
no subject
Could I see it first?
[What's being revealed about her without her knowing? Isn't better not to live in ignorance?
It's not as blissful as people say.]
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It's about your mother. [Cantarella gives her that warning before handing the slip over.]
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She takes the slip and looks just a little sick at the words written there... A piece of her heart laid bare.]
I'm sorry you had to see this.
no subject
[Cantarella shakes her head.]
It must have gotten into the room somehow...on a draft, perhaps. [She fears that means it was something they were always intended to receive.
Nozomi looks so pained by this. She cups the girl's chin gently with the palm of her hand.] You must miss her terribly.
no subject
It's a little self indulgent, and she knows that, but maybe it okay to take the small comforts when they're offered to her so kindly.]
I miss her. Of course I do, she's my mom and I love her. But... I was also so angry that she killed herself and left me behind.
oh also cw suicide/ideation/etc ig for the entirety of this thread
I don't know what drove her to that choice.
[The unfortunate reality Cantarella has lived with for years is that some sicknesses erode people to a point of no return. It is an honor to die as a Fisalia and not as a puppet. In some ways, she has become desensitized to it.
And yet somehow, seeing this girl injured in the wake of it...] And the answer doesn't matter. I'm sorry she didn't stay with you.
no subject
Then she took her own life, leaving Nozomi behind.
She can't help herself from crying, lifting up her arms so she can hug Cantarella, if she'll allow it. ]
I'm sorry... I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm crying this much.
[ Didn't she accept this when it happened? Even so, it still hurts to think about how she wasn't a good enough research subject to have her mother stay with her. ]
no subject
The hug is returned, gentle and warm. Cantarella's embrace is soft as she wraps her arms around the girl and cradles her close.]
Have you ever had the time to cry for her before?
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She doesn't even notice the flash of reflectiveness in her eyes as she tries and fails to blink away her tears.
It feels so nice to be hugged, safe and warm and loved. She misses her mom so much, but did she ever hold Nozomi like this? ]
N-not a lot.
no subject
But she puts those larger thoughts aside in favor of the immediate comfort that Nozomi needs.]
It's all right to do it now. These wounds run deep...and you don't have to pretend they don't still harm you.
no subject
So when she's given permission to cry, she does. It's been so bottled up for so long, and it's such a rush of relief to let herself have this.
Nozomi hugs her so tightly as she sobs. ]